The Love I Meant to Say
by Hello11
Summary: Danny gives McGarrett some much-needed long-overdue advice. Brief mention of Lynn in the context of McRoll.


" **I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, ... I love her and it is the beginning and end of everything." ―** _ **F. Scott Fitzgerald**_

"I don't understand," Danny finally broke the awkward silence. He had tried to be quiet. He really had but he couldn't take it anymore.

"There is nothing to understand, Danny. People break up all the time. It's really not a big deal."

Steve did not want to talk about this especially not now and especially not with Danny. The problem with having really close friends was that they knew you well enough to know when you were bullshitting them. The problem with having Danny as one of your closest friends was that he was incapable of keeping his mouth shut when he knew you were lying to him. He just kept digging and digging and digging until you were left with two options: either you relent and tell him the truth or pull out your gun and shoot him.

"I thought it was going well," Danny sighed. That statement was not entirely false depending on how one defined "going well". If sleeping with a woman the complete opposite of your ex in a futile attempt to forget said ex was the definition of a good relationship then Steve and Lynn's was perfect.

"It was but you know things don't always work out." Steve was hoping that if he was vague enough Danny would think he was too upset to talk about it and let the subject drop at least for now.

"Right."

"Right."

For a moment he but then he felt eyes boring into him from the passenger seat. They drove on in silence for a while until he couldn't take it anymore. The only thing more annoying than Danny talking was Danny making a point by not talking.

"What?"

"What what? I didn't say anything."

"Exactly! You didn't but clearly you want to say something so just go ahead and get it out of your system."

"I just think that your timing is interesting," he figured that was enough to hint at what he was getting at here.

"My timing? What are you talking about?"

"What am I talking about? Oh, you know, my horoscope... I can't believe you dumped her while Mercury was in retrograde," the sarcasm came out harsher than he had intended it. He loved Steve like a brother he really to see him happy and he couldn't take any more of his friend's stalling on the topic.

"What do you think I am talking about? You spent a day chasing terrorists with Catherine- a very beautiful, very smart, slightly frightening woman and you know your ex- and then a week later Lynn is no longer in your life. Now, to me," he pointed at his chest, "that is very interesting."

And there it was. What he didn't want to admit to his friend; what he didn't want to admit to himself. He had been happier chasing a dangerous weapons dealer on a deserted island with his ex- girlfriend than he had ever been with Lynn. The ex-girlfriend who was now apparently dating again. He had spent more time than he cared to admit dwelling on that detail. He wasn't sure if that made him pathetic or crazy or just plain weird but he was sure that he would rather Danny not bring up any of this.

"I know what you are trying to imply but that's not-"

" I am not implying anything. I am outright saying it. In fact, I tell you what if you can look me in the eye right now and tell me that you are not still in love with Catherine, I will never ask you about this again." This was not entirely true because there was no way Danny could refrain from bringing this topic up again but he also knew that the likelihood he was wrong about this was zero.

"Look Danny-," lying was pointless because Danny had already figured him out- perhaps better than he himself had but admitting it to him would mean he had to admit it to himself and that brought up feelings he would rather avoid.

"Can we discuss this later... you know after we find out who killed this dude?"

" We have plenty of time to talk about this. Now. Here. In the car. In *my* car. Which you are driving. Again. On the way to finding out who our John Doe is and why he ended up fish food. And for the record, this exactly is the reason why you are in your current predicament."

"So," he paused for mock- dramatic effect, " was I right or was I right?"

He looked at his phone. It always rang at the most inopportune times so why was it not ringing when he needed it? Trying to have a conversation with your girlfriend about how long she is staying? Sorry, super urgent call from the morgue. Want to propose to said girlfriend? Can't right now, the lab needs to talk to you immediately. Want to avoid an awkward conversation with your best friend? Sorry, no one needs you right now.

He took a moment to consider his options which were quite restricted. He could either lie to Danny which wouldn't get him anywhere or he could tell him the truth and admit to himself what he already knew- that despite his best efforts to the contrary, he was still in love with a woman who would rather be with the CIA than with him- or he could lift his hand off the wheel, take his gun and shoot Danny - nothing life-threatening but just enough to shut him up.

While the latter did seem tempting, telling the truth was preferable. It might be painful but he had been turning this around in his head for days and had gotten nowhere so maybe Danny would be able to offer some insight.

"Lynn is nice and fun but it... it wasn't a real thing, Danny. The whole time I was with her, I was pretending to be someone I am not. I kept hoping that if I did it for long enough, I would eventually become that guy. You know, the one who could be happy with the simple, pretty, carefree girl and not wake up every morning wondering if his spy ex is ok, if she is happy, if she will ever come back. I was stringing Lynn along and she didn't deserve that. When I saw Catherine, I just-"

" A rush of feelings came flooding back. That's what happens every time I see Rachel. I used to tell myself that it was because she was the mother of my kids but I knew that was a lie."

Danny got this. He understood. He had been there. He still was.

"When she left I made a list in my head of reasons why we weren't right for each other; why it could never work. I thought that would make it easier to get over her. But then I saw her again. And all these reasons I had come up with- they were just lies I told myself. She knows me, you know. I can be myself with her. She knew that no matter how angry I was at my mother, I would never forgive myself if I let her rot in jail. She knew if she told me she was going into the CIA that I would constantly worry about her. Being with her it's comfortable and fun and safe and good and it just feels... right, you know?"

" Of course I know. I knew the first time I heard you talking to her on the phone. It is very obvious when you talk to her or about her. Case in point, Tani and Junior asked me why you broke up with her. Well, actually Tani asked, Junior was just sitting awkwardly behind her looking embarrassed but you get my point."

The was news to Steve. He thought he had done a good job of hiding his feelings and pretending that he only saw her as an old friend.

"What? They barely met her. Someone must have told them- Lou or Jerry- could've."

" No, it wasn't Lou or Jerry. You told them. Not intentionally but like I said, very obvious. Which brings me to my real point- You know why I love Catherine?" He was not really expecting an answer

" I love her because she is smart and funny and brilliant and selfless and always there for the people she cares about. Mostly though, I love her because she loves my best friend and makes him as happy as he deserves to be and significantly more pleasant to be around."

A little humour in these situations never hurt.

"You said it feels right of course it does. I have never met two people more perfect for each other. You two are the same person- although she is substantially better in every way,"

" Yeah, except she didn't stay Danny. When she had the choice of staying here with me or leaving, she chose to leave. If we were meant for each other, she would have stayed."

He couldn't get over this- that she had left. It was difficult to be the one left behind- it was confusing and humiliating and infuriating and painful- mostly it was just painful. He had suffered a lot of pain in his life- both physical and emotional- but this kind of pain, the pain of knowing you might never see the person you love ever again, the wasn't sure how much more of it he could take.

" Look, I don't know why she left but I do know this: that girl loves you and she would never hurt you if she had another option. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do no matter how difficult it is. If you give up on her now you will regret it for the rest of your life. Find her, talk to her. Actually talk to her and sort this out. Nothing's irreparably broken between the two of you."

"You give good advice, Danno."

"Why, thank you, I know I do. I just want you to be happy. And I want to see what a wedding at the DMZ looks like. Instead of rings, you guys can exchange hand grenades or AK-47s."

"You know I considered shooting you a while ago and I am starting to regret not going through with it."

" Right. And who is going to save you from yourself, then?"

 _ **For the long-suffering STW squad. You guys are the bestest.**_


End file.
